Glorious combat with The Godfather……
The Godfather
Vs.
Braddock
(For those of you out there who are not platinum members or are new to Braddock’s Blog, The Godfather is one of my close friends and mentors. He’s 5 years older than me. I’ve known him since my senior year of high school).
The Godfather lives across the street. Yesterday I walked in his house and……
Braddock: (Walking right in). “Yo! You ever hear of locking your fucking door?”
The Godfather: “Fuck you. Come in here. Sit down and try this. I Got 48/50 and 50/50. None of these pussies could beat that and you damn sure can’t. Kadin only got 43/50 and 45/50 and AP only got 40/50.”
Braddock: “I’m literally going to get every one of these and I don’t even know what we are playing yet. You guys going out with us tonight? I talked to Jeremy and he said there are going to be a shit load of girls at Xbar.”
(The Godfather never says yes on the first invite……ever. You could literally have live surveillance of the venue on a big screen and super models could be scissoring on the floor and he would still pretend to be unimpressed and interrogate you about the venue, the girls, your source, the type of music, how it was last time, who’s going, who’s driving, what time are we coming back….etc…etc…etc. You never know if he’s going until you are walking out the door. He’s like a hot girl. He likes to collect 302 options and then take the best one…….Or….. he is just a dick!!!!!)
The Godfather: “How credible is your source?”
Braddock: “Jesus! I’m seriously fighting a deep urge to break a chair over your head right now. There are literally 3 fucking venues in this one horse town. If it sucks we will walk across the street. You in?”
The Godfather: “We’ll see. Sit down and play this game and quit stalling.”
Braddock: “If I beat you, then you are going. No backing out.”
The Godfather: “Shit, if you get God damn 40 on each I’ll go, swear to God.”
Braddock: “Done. Move fucker. Go iron a shirt and start getting ready. I’m bout to lock it up. See if you can find a shirt in your closet that doesn’t make you look gay.”
(The game is two tests. Each test has pictures of 50 division 1 college football helmets and under each you have to type the name of the school the helmet represents).
(If there is one thing our hero is good at, it’s games that revolve around random useless information. Let’s just say that if useless trivia were a sport and I had a jersey, the number would be 23, they would retire it early, and it would be in the rafters somewhere).
Savoy referring to a section of a club he was dominating last L.A. Bootcamp….
Savoy: “See this area right here…..See this? This is my office.”
Braddock’s office = The Categories Below.
(In Braddock’s office he has a heavy pimp hand and that hand is law)
- Catch Phrase
- Trivial Pursuit
- U.S. Sports Trivia: With a strong emphasis on college football, college basketball, pro baseball, pro football, pro basketball. (Fuck soccer)
- Relevant Movie Line Trivia: (Relevant = Don’t know Indy films) Movie line trivia from 80′s up. (Starting around The Breakfast Club era)
- Jeopardy
- College football by EA Sports on PlayStation or Xbox 360
For the bet with The God Father number 6 on the above list is the most important. In college at least 1/3 of my day revolved around my roommates and me picking the most random teams we could on PS2 college football and playing drinking games where you had to drink based on how many points the other guy scored on you. We played countless epic games between teams like Idaho vs. Alabama Birmingham. Soooo….needless to say, I know the helmets of the shit teams almost better than I do the good schools.
Who could have predicted that those 4 years of college drinking games would pay major dividends years later? I essentially trained for glorious combat with The Godfather for over 4 years!!
Ok, so to make a long story short….
After doing the proper stretches and calisthenics, I sat down at the computer and made short work of both tests only missing 1 out of 100. I missed Southern Florida!?!?!?! I knew it was in Florida, just couldn’t think of the damn name….
Horse head in The Godfathers bed….That’s how I roll! Gotta speak in terms he understands…..
(Shaking his head jaw dropped)
The Godfather: “You little fuck. This is bullshit. Who the hell knows Eastern Michigan and Western Kentucky without even pausing to think? I actually played college football and don’t know those…….Fuck this.”
Braddock: “Look, you mess with the bull, you get the horn bitch. Go get dressed. I’ll be back to pick you guys up at 9:30.”
The Godfather: “God damn you.”
A lessor man would have respectfully stopped at 40 with his goal met….
I’ve always been the guy who gets pissed off when they put the second or third string quarterback in and then run the clock out. I hate the idea of sportsmanship. I literally threw up a little in my mouth at one of my little cousins soccer games when I found out that the parents had voted and decided that the league shouldn’t keep score as to protect the kids feelings!!!! Jesus H! Parents that think like that wonder why there kids are pussies.
(Think this kid feels better cause they don’t keep score?) 
As if I didn’t already FUCKING HATE soccer…….which I did……..the whole ‘we don’t keep score’ episode was the icing on the cake. (Sorry Kev : p)
As if I didn’t already FUCKING HATE soccer…….which I did……..the whole ‘we don’t keep score’ episode was the icing on the cake. (Sorry Kev : p)
I think that in any competition where the combatants are over the age of 5 years old, the winning team should attempt to score 300 points with the intention of crushing the other teams self esteem.
(On a side note: Until more long term testing is done and ‘ALL’ scientists worldwide can unanimously agree that high dosages of steroids are dangerous to small children, then I’m not going to throw the baby out with the bath water. I say let’s give it a shot. I mean look what they did for Jimmy….)
Ok, I’m getting a little off topic here, sorry. Back to the point……
The Romans would have understood what I’m talking about. They invented running up the score! The Romans would go into enemy cities and kill all the soldiers, but that was only the beginning……stopping there would have been for pussies…..just killing the soldiers would have been the equivalent of putting in the sophomore quarterback and taking a knee to let the clock run out.
No no!! That’s not how the Romans roll ………. The Romans would kill the men, rape the women, sell the children, burn the crops, and cover the fields in salt so nothing would grow there for 100 years. Now that’s a blow out!! That’s how you run up the score!!
The Romans understood the importance of striking fear into the hearts of the wicked. Sometimes you have to set the tone. As that one self help book put it…… what’s that book called again……..you know, the really old one……..O yeah….. The Bible!!!! Yeah the Bible says it best, “The streets flow with the blood of the non believers.”
In today’s glorious tail children, The Godfather represents the “non believers,” so his blood had to be let. Not only did I get the necessary 40 helmets to lock the Godfather into going, I went for the pride obliterating bitch slap by beating his high score. He may never be the same. The below picture was taken in The Godfather’s office moments after serving the crushing defeat.
The Aftermath….
The God Father was good on his word and he came out with us. By the end of the night beers were drank, hands were shook, babies were kissed, dragons were slain, entire cities were put to the sword, girls were chased, and memories were made.
Here are the links to the football helmet quizzes if anyone wants to play:
Until next time kids remember that if you want Braddock to breed with your mother, girlfriend, wife, sister, or cousin you save 10% on his stud fee if you are a platinum member of his blog. Now that’s savings!!!!
-Braddock
-The End-
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