Based on my reading and study of the brain it seems that the scientific definition of love would be “chemical addiction.” More specifically love is an addiction to the peptides you have created and associated to a specific person. In any relationship (bad or good) your brain will fire off a batch of peptides that will make the experience of the relationship feel in a way that both parties become accustomed to. After feeling this way for a long time, both of their bodies will become so used to feeling this way that they will feel discomfort and pain at even the idea of not having those chemicals (ie breaking up). When they do break up, every memory is painful because it is a reminder that you are no longer getting those chemicals. This reminder comes in the form of pain.

It turns out that our brain is hardwired to attach a specific emotional footprint to everything, every person you meet, every experience (good or bad), and to every memory you have. This is why you might here a song that you haven’t heard since high school and you immediately smile and have a flash back of riding in a car with all of your old high school buddies.

This is why you might feel sad when you hear a song that you and your old girlfriend used to listen to when you were at your happiest point in your relationship. It makes you sad because you instantly think of that moment when you felt so good and your body is then thrown back to the present moment of realization that you don’t have access to her and the feelings (peptides) she gave you because she’s not around. If the pull is strong enough (the addiction) you will feel compelled to call her, email her, drive by her house, whatever, in an attempt to get those feelings (peptide rush/your fix). On a logical level you may know this is a stupid thing to do, but if the hurt/addiction is strong enough you will act despite the fact you know it’s a stupid move.

Why would your body do this to you? Why would it put you through this? It’s actually just doing its job. It has evolved to put this peptide footprint on all of your memories to protect you. It wants you to remember to move toward pleasure and away from pain. This is why when you burn your hand on a stove when you are 4 years old, for the rest of your life you will get a feeling (peptide rush) of anxiety or fear when you look at/go near a stove. That feeling (peptide rush) is a nice safety mechanism to keep you from making the same mistake over and over.

So if every memory has a different peptide tied to it, then this explains why it’s so hard to move on after a breakup and why it’s so hard to experience change. Does anyone have a friend who still talks about his high school football days and he graduated 5 years ago? Why is he doing this? Because if he was good at football then he likely has a very good feeling (peptide rush) attached to any memory of football. It is also likely that nothing in his life has given him an equivalent rush since. He is an addict. He is still going through the withdrawals (just like a drug addict). He had likely been playing football for years and then all of a sudden he graduates and football is ripped from him and so is the source of his good feeling (peptide rush). So what he does now is constantly talk about it, watch ESPN 15 hours per day, and even watch his old high school films because it gives him a small fix of those old peptides that used to make him feel so good.

Can you see how this plays out in the same way when a relationship ends and why some relationships that LOGICALLY should end, never do? Even though the feelings are long gone and they now hate each other, they can’t leave because it means an end to the source of the most powerful drug (peptides) their bodies have ever experienced. Their logical mind tries to pull them away through fighting, arguing, cheating, etc…. but at the end of the day their addiction pulls them back together so they can get their fix.

Why is the dumper usually ok and the dumpee is always crushed?
It’s just like the football player example from above. The dumper slowly broke their addiction over time weening themselves off of the other person until they are no longer addicted. Once this happens they can walk away with little or no pain. However, the dumpee is CRUSHED not because of the fairy tale bullshit reasons we all hear in love songs and in movies….that’s simply the physical form of the true reason….No, they are crushed because someone has taken their drugs when they were still highly addicted.

If the feeling you shared with that girl created a peptide cocktail that felt so good it made you euphoric, then you are ingesting a very powerful drug. If that drug is ripped from you when you weren’t ready, than you will suffer from the EXACT same symptoms of a drug addict who is suffering from the withdrawal pains the first couple of weeks when he is in rehab. The pain can be so bad that you will do ANYTHING to get your fix (get her back).

Even if a week ago you were telling your friends that she annoyed you and that you kind of wanted to shop around. That is the talk of a logical man who is getting his fix. Take his fix away and you have a mumbling drug addict scrambling around feigning for a hit. He will mistake this feeling for love for her. He will think that she must have been the greatest woman on the planet. “If I feel this bad, I must have made a huge mistake.” All this is bullshit, but it’s like telling a crack addict he needs to quit. He will give you all kinds of excuses and rationalizations for why he needs the drug.
This is also why so many men and women will “relationship hop.”

Ever have a friend who CONSTANTLY has to have a girlfriend? Instead of becoming addicted to one person these people are addicted to having a relationship. They will dump one and replace them with one similar and get the same feeling (peptide rush). Every girl or guy they date is almost exactly the same and they may even bitch about not being able to find a good guy or girl. This is because they haven’t hit pause long enough to get over their current addiction. If they never break this cycle they will literally replay the same bad relationship over and over and over with new people for the rest of their lives. They will just keep finding a new person who fits the bill close enough to give them the peptides their bodies crave.

Mr. M and I go into great detail on the role of peptides and addiction in many arenas of life and game and how it affects each in our new Inner Game Seminar.

-Braddock

__________________