11/25/08Filed under: Social Circle Mastery

Question:
“How do I know when to start pouring on the attraction material and when to wait in my social circle?”

Answer:
Social Circle attraction doesn’t begin until compliance begins.
Compliance Increases = Frequency and Intensity of my attraction game increases
Compliance Decreases = Frequency and Intensity of my attraction game decreases

Compliance Defined: “A disposition or tendency to yield to the will of others.”
When I used to help The Don on his bootcamps he would say, “Getting laid is probably 70% about getting compliance.” I couldn’t agree more. In this article I will show you why that % is even higher in Social Circle game.

A Strange Paradox….
One thing you will notice in Social Circle settings is that pouring on the attraction material to early can have major repercussions. If it hits…great…but if it doesn’t, you can create an awkward situation that isn’t going away anytime soon.

Most guys either try to pull the trigger way too early or way too late. Guys who pull the trigger with women way to late have a hard time getting attraction and asserting themselves in their group and often find themselves in the friend zone.

On the other end of the spectrum are the guys who try to pull the trigger far too early. These guys treat their Social Circle like it’s a night club and basically cold approach and game every girl in their social circle. They make the situation very uncomfortable and come across as gamey or sleazy. They have a problem getting attraction because the women of the group see them as try hard and low value.

The third type of guy is the one who used to pull the trigger way too late (i.e. friend zone), found pickup literature and are now the guys who are attempting to pull the trigger WAY to early (i.e. overly pushy gamey guy).

I can remember spending a great deal of time in all three of these categories before figuring out how to find a balance that was effective. I noticed that in cold approach “fortune favors the bold” but in Social Circle game this mentality often did more harm than good. I quickly noticed that Social Circle game was much more about timing and patience. On the other hand, I also noticed that the guys in my Social Circle who were getting laid consistently by the hottest girls were some of the boldest guys I’d ever met. They would say and do things around women that if anyone else in the group would have tried, the women would have been deeply offended and turned off, but when these guys did it the women liked them even more.

So be bold….but don’t be bold…but do!?!?!?!??……anyone else confused? What a strange paradox.

The Recipe for Compliance
Let’s think about how social circles or social encounters for that matter work. People become more relaxed and more compliant as a result of any one and usually a combination of these 3 things:

1. High Value: Communicating with someone you consider being a high value member of the group. You want their acceptance and you want them to align with you, so are much more likely to bend on something with them that you wouldn’t necessarily bend on with someone you considered lower value. You might even create rationalizations that paint just average behavior or even poor behavior in a positive light (i.e. peer pressure, laughing at an average joke way harder than it deserved, jumping to defend or have their back without concern for the validity of their argument, being more accommodating or forgiving of insurrections from them than you would from most people. (Don’t say you don’t do this….everyone does this to some degree or another. You are hardwired biologically to do so).
2. Time: The more time we spend with people the less guarded we are and the more we relax around people. When we first meet we are out of sync with people and we are not sure what their intentions are, if we should trust/like them, if they like us etc…

Time remedies this because as time passes we get a more static look at how people will behave on a consistent level. Hanging out with someone 1 time is not a very strong measure of how people are going to treat you consistently, but hanging out 20 times will give you a pretty good idea. Over time unspoken roles will be defined for each member of the group and as these roles are accepted, stability and comfort are born within the group.

Over time you will naturally start to see what people’s boundaries are, their weakness and strengths, and what makes them feel good and bad. We use this knowledge as a blueprint to determine the nature of each individual relationship in our life…. “Ok, I can make those kinds of jokes around Billy, but they upset Sam.” Or… “Sara laughs hard when I playfully tease her, but Jenny gets really upset.” If someone treats us well consistently and makes us feel good when we are around them, over time we will become far more compliant to them than to a stranger or to someone within the group we do not feel good around.
3. Shared Experiences: Have you ever noticed that we have a tendency to let our family members get away with saying and doing things to us that we would never allow a stranger to do or say? You likely have an archive the size of the Library of Congress full of memories and feelings associated with each family member. When you look at a picture of a family member you may flash multiple good and bad memories and experience a wide range of feelings in a split second. The more experiences (good, bad, or neutral) you have with someone, the more connected you feel to that person. This likely explains why soldiers or athletes that endure hardship together report feeling like those around them feel like brothers or family.

When we have someone we feel extremely close to and consider part of our group, we are going to bend a lot more and let things slide that aren’t that big of a deal, but might have been if a stranger tried them. We let them slide because we have tons of shared experiences and time spent together that proves that ‘most’ of the time this person treats me like X and as a result I’m not worried about him saying or doing any one thing. His or her behavior is most consistently like X so my mind is not alarmed when he does something out of the ordinary now and then.

“How do all of these help me know when to pull the trigger?”
To illustrate the above, think back to the time when you had met one of your closest guy friends. When you first met you were likely fairly formal and both of you were holding your cards pretty close to your chest. You didn’t know him that well and you didn’t know his boundaries. As time passes and as you hang out more and more you begin to figure out each other’s boundaries and you both begin to open up.

If you enjoy your time with each other and your time spent with him makes you feel good emotions, then you will see him as high value to you. As this happens each of you become more and more compliant to one another. He can tease you, you can tease him. He can ask you to do something within reason and you can ask him to do something within reason.
What about a guy friend you met 2 days ago? You are basically back to square one with the new guy. You aren’t going to tease him as rough and you wouldn’t ask him for a favor and you would not be too excited about him asking for a sizable favor from you.
Now go back and re-read the above and replace guy with girl. As you spend time with a woman in your Social Circle and you share experiences, each of you open up more and each of you are more likely to loosen up your boundaries toward each other. HERE LIES YOUR WINDOW TO ESCALATE!!!!!

Time + Shared Experience + Value = Compliance
As time, shared experiences, and value increase…..so does compliance. Have you ever been the new guy at a house party and you were flirting with a woman and it was going pretty well and then a guy from her inner Social Circle yells from across the room for her to come over and join them….and she does, regardless of how good things were going with you and her?

How did he pull her away from you? Is it because he’s “so alpha”…..no. Is it because he’s got some quantum game…..no. Could that same guy go to any club in America and yell at a random hot stranger and she would break her conversation and walk to him?……no.

He can pull off this magical feat, ONLY IN HIS Social Circle because he has more time, shared experiences, and value with that woman than you do and as a result…..he has more compliance from her than you do. He can get her to do more with less effort.

Ever notice you can joke rougher and get away with snide and edgy comments with women in your social circle? Could you have said those things to those women when you first met? Of course not, but now they laugh. Chalk this up to time + shared experience + value = increase in compliance.
So when do you really turn up the attraction game???? Well, it should be obvious by now, but the answer is…as compliance increases, your attraction game can increase. Before then, you are essentially running cold approach game, hoping it hits.

Th is does not mean stay in friend mode until compliance is high and this does not mean you should not run attraction game until compliance is high. It just means increase the frequency and intensity of your attraction game as compliance increases.

What if compliance decreases for some reason? Let’s say she starts dating someone or for whatever reason you can sense that you have lost some compliance since last time you hung out…..Well then the frequency and intensity of your attraction game should decrease. This could go back and forth tons of times before it finally hits.

So remember…
Compliance increases = Frequency and Intensity of my attraction game increases
Compliance Decreases = Frequency and Intensity of my attraction game decreases

Mr. M and I cover this in great detail in our Social Circle Mastery seminar.

After this commercial break from our sponsors we’ll be right back

-Braddock

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