Dating Coach Braddock
Inner Game: How Do I Stop Hurting After A Breakup..?
Email:
“Hey Braddock, my girlfriend dumped me 10 months ago. I thought by now I’d feel better, but I’m still hurting. I feel like it will never get better unless I have her back. I’m really hurting bad and I just don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice?”
10 months? Don’t worry about that. You can and you will get over her. Stop thinking so much about getting over her and start focussing on making yourself better in general….for you.
Before we move any further….Do this immediately:
Get rid of all the bullshit that reminds you of her, delete her and all her friends off facebook, and tell all your friends that you need them to promise you that no matter what they see or hear, you don’t want any updates on her life. If they hear she banged the entire Steelers football team, you don’t want to know. If she updates her facebook saying “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! I love life.” You don’t want to know. If she gets hit by a buss…. You get my point.
But you especially…don’t torment yourself be looking at her facebook, twitter, old pics etc.. Girls write the dumbest shit on facebook that they don’t even mean. If girls were even HALF as happy as they pretend to be on facebook there would be no eating disorders and therapists would lose 70% of their patients. Stop checking that stupid shit.
Focus on you. Not her. Trust me, your brain will make you think of her enough, to where you don’t need facebook and twitter for added search material.
That shit is self torment and a waste of your time.
Don’t focus on “Getting over her” anymore. A watched pot never boils right? What we focus on expands, etc…
Ok let’s begin…
Just realize that you loved her, you became dependent on the relationship, and you will likely always have a strong emotional pull to the women in your life that you truly loved.
I went to my 10 year reunion a few months back and saw a girl I dated back in the day and had butter flies for a second. Wasn’t painful, it went away in about 5 minutes…but it was still an emotional trigger in my mind.
That being said, the pain dulls over time. But it’s different for everyone, but I can tell you that the more proactive you get about increasing each area of your life that is important to you, the faster you will get over her.
As men we have a tendency to be very unhealthy after a painful Breakup. We will get anti social, instead of social. We will replay every text, call, date, etc.. rehashing what we did wrong…wondering, “If I just did X or Y we’d still be together.” Eventually that chatter stops and the pain is all that’s left. You will wake up hurting and it will take you a minute to remember why you are hurting, then it comes back to you.
However, the faster you upgrade every area of your life, the faster you will feel better. Now this upgrade IS NOT to get her back…or to get back at her. THIS IS 100% FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE!!!!!
The reason you do this is simple… If I let you eat steak for years and years and then all of a sudden ripped that away from you and expected you to be happy eating dog food, I would be insane. There is no way for your mind to be happy going from steak to dog food.
Well, breakups where you are left hurting bad for months and months is a similar thing. Now, forget looks for a second although that may be part of it. I’m talking about emotionally. You go from emotionally eating steak, to being FORCED to emotionally eat dog food. I don’t care how pretty the girl is, how funny, rich, sexual, etc….. It takes a rare set of chemistry and feelings to create emotional steak for you.
That’s why for a long time, your body and mind feels broken. Now your body and mind are screaming,
“WHERE IS MY STEAK!?!?!? WHY AM I BEING FORCED TO EAT DOG FOOD!?!? NOT ONLY THAT…..I KNOW MY STEAK IS STILL AROUND…..MY STEAK DECIDED I CAN’T EAT IT ANYMORE!!! IT WOULD BE ONE THING IF IT WAS GONE….BUT IT CHOSE TO NOT LET ME EAT IT!!! FUCK!!!!! AND EVEN WORSE….SOME OF THE NASTY DOG FOODS OUT THERE ON THE MARKET LAUGH IN MY FACE AND DON’T WANT ME TO EAT THEM EITHER!!!!! DON’T THEY KNOW I’M A STEAK EATER!?!?! WHO ARE THEY TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT!???? OH…POOR ME. MY LIFE IS OVER. I WENT FROM STEAK TO THIS. IF ONLY I WOULD HAVE TREATED MY STEAK BETTER, MAYBE I COULD STILL BE EATING STEAK!!!! THERE IS NO OTHER STEAK OUT THERE THAT I WILL ENJOY AND THAT WILL EVER HAVE ME. THE ONLY PIECE OF STEAK OUT THERE THAT EVER WOULD HAVE TASTED RIGHT AND WANTED ME TO EAT IT IS GONE FOREVER!!!!! I WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE!!!!! I WOULD LITERALLY DO ANYTHING OR GIVE UP ANYTHING TO HAVE MY STEAK BACK!!!! IT’S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. NOTHING IN LIFE IS GOOD OR FUN IF I CAN’T HAVE STEAK!!!!”
Aww… Poor you. I’ve been there. It’s really not a laughing matter, I know it is in fact the worst pain a man can feel. But…I’m here to tell you….(AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE ME…BUT I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS TRUE)….if you will take the time to upgrade your life in every area while you are single and let the pain slowly fade on it’s own, when it does heal and you are ready to take on the dating world, but you are NOT looking to fill the hole she created, you are a powerful powerful force my friend. In the back of your mind you smile and tip your hat to her thinking, “Thank you so much for letting that die. I missed you so much for so so long and thought my life is over, but now…right now with the person I have created…..you are not even on my radar. The current me would never date you. You just aren’t in my league anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t like or even still love you. It doesn’t mean that if I see you out I won’t leave. I might. Because I know that I can like or love someone, but also know that, that doesn’t mean I should be with them. I know it’s an emotional response in my brain to a set of triggers that have been long formed over time spent with that person. But once I go home and cool down, I smile again thinking, “Fuck it hurt to see them, but I’m so glad in the long run they are not here. My new life is going to afford me much bigger and better things for me personally.”
To be honest with you, that takes a lot of time depending on how much you loved the girl. People that get over their girlfriend or boyfriend in a week or two….bullshit. That only happens if you weren’t if love. If you truly loved someone, guess what? When you lose them, it’s going to hurt like a mother fucker and take some time to heal. You are human. Give yourself permission to suffer.
Yes, you will suffer. But, you can choose to take conscious control of how you spend that time and energy during that suffering. You can lay down and wallow in your own shit and sorrows for 6 months to a year and when the clouds start to clear you feel bad again, because now you are feeling a little better about her, but your life is in shambles or at minimum has been on pause for all that time.
Alternatively, you can say, “Well fuck. I’m going to be in some pain for a while. Not really sure how long. That sucks, but no big deal. I know I’m not in an emotional state healthy enough to really be dating anyone, fine. I’m going to use this new free time to work on myself. I’m going to read a lot of books about the mind, emotions, new ways of thinking….I’m going to make sure at minimum I don’t lose control of my job/business and if I have the energy I may even use that as a tool to eat up mental energy so I don’t focus on my current pain. I’m going get in the gym and make sure I force myself to exercise. It will feel good to get rid of some of this stored up negative energy and I know working out releases good chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and opioids so I will feel at least a little better. I don’t feel like going out and being Mr. Charisma right now, but I know I need to be social even though my body is telling me to lay in bed. Instead of using this time to hit on girls, I’ll use it to network socially in general. This will make me feel good to be out around people, but I don’t have to add a bunch of new rejection to the pain I’m already carrying on my shoulders. I’ll focus on making guy and girl buddies and put chasing girls on the shelf at least for a few months or until I feel like it again.”
I swear to God….. There has not been 1 girlfriend that I look back on and don’t laugh at myself for hurting so bad and I always hit a point where I stop and look at my new life and what I’ve created (once the pain finally fades…and may take a long time) but eventually I look around and say, “How mad would I be at myself if I were still with her right now??? She was amazing, but look who I’ve become inside and out. I needed that relationship to end to become this man right here. Thank you X.”
That sounds like 20 years away or even impossible when you are in the fiery pit of dispair you are in. It feels like it will never go away and sometimes you think you don’t have the strength to “upgrade other areas of your life.” I get that. Some days will be hard, but I promise you that you are getting better.
Do this for yourself. Write down your main goals and areas of your life that you’ve always wanted to improve and areas that would make you more attractive overall. Now, write down action steps that you would need to take to get these objectives met. What would it mean to and what would it look like to reach these new heights.
Now….don’t think, “OK let me write down all the things that I think my x would like that I was missing and messed up. Now if I chase these for the next 2 years and hit all these and then run into her, she’ll be sorry.” NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! When that thought creeps up…AND IT WILL….go look in the mirror and slap yourself HARD and scream NOOOO!!!! I’m dead serious.
No. You are doing this to increase your life overall and so you cast a larger net in the future, put yourself in new leagues of women that you would never have been able to date before, and so you set into action the part of your mind that feels happiness chasing exciting goals. I promise while you are being a depressed self hating pussy who whines about his ex girlfriend, you are not a ball of fire/unstoppable exciting goal chasing machine. You are likely going through the motions of life, trying not to breakdown and cry and 90% of your focus is on rehashing the past/wishing you could win her back/trying to hold it together.
The above may sound ego driven, but I don’t mean it that way. It’s not, “haha I’m better than you!!! I win!!” No. That’s unhealthy….and you are not better than her no matter who you date next or how happy you are. You shouldn’t want to see her hurt or want to win. But you also shouldn’t sit around wishing she would come back or notice how the new awesome you is.
You want to get to a place where you think, “Damn I’m glad I dated her she made me bigger, better, stronger, and I learned a lot about myself from her. Yeah it was some painful ass lessons, but now that I’m through the pain, I’m glad I endured it. She’ll never know it. She may even think she won. Good for her. But I know that the hardest steel is forged in the hottest fire. Her fire was fucking lava! Damn she must have been pretty awesome to have hit my heart deep enough for me to have hurt that bad. However, if I can endure losing her…come out the other side of that hell stronger and now I’m over her, I can handle anything.”
Don’t force it and don’t worry about how long it takes. It takes as long as it takes. Fuck what everyone else says.
Keep your head up. Just keep showing up and this will pass. Some days will be better, some worse. Some days you think you have it licked and you are fine. Some days it will creep up out of nowhere and drive you crazy for weeks.
But….It will pass. Accept you will hurt for a while, but don’t surrender to it. It’s like a headache that you know is going to last for many many months…BUT WILL 100% GO AWAY! Just accept it and continue life and get really focussed on getting your life bad ass, so when the headache goes away, you are on a new level.
In summary…. Fuck her. Be a phoenix who rises from the ashes. Be a bigger you than you’ve ever been before. In mythology, a phoenix is an immortal bird that, when it dies, bursts into flames and is reborn from its own ashes. “To rise from the ashes of the phoenix” means to make a miraculous comeback. Just don’t rush this….it takes as long as it takes. Also, don’t forget…this comeback is not for her, to impress her, has ZERO to do with her, other than she was the catalyst who ignited the flame.
YOU CAN’T RUSH GREATNESS. Write that down and remember I said that. Don’t read this and get all fired up and go right back to feeling like shit in 2 days, because you aren’t there yet.
One day at a time… just keep showing up and cut yourself some slack when you just can’t shake it. That will pass. Just keep moving and laugh at yourself for being caught in a stupid place. It’s like a really really painful brain freeze after eating ice cream…..you know it will pass and you know you are an idiot for eating ice cream that fast, but you also rationally know it will go away.
This will pass too. The question is not, “When will this pass?” The questions should be, “What will I do with my time during this pain period?” “Who will I be when the dust settles and this pain is gone? A mess who’s life has to be completely rebuilt, gun shy of the world or a more bad ass version of your self who spent some time in the shop building a super charged car?
Text and Phone Game Tip
When you get a new phone number here are a few tips:
Don’t try to push to fast to meet up unless you can tell it feels right. When you push to meet up right away and you text far to much, you seem needy. It creates a bad vibe. Have you ever had a girl do that? If you two didn’t have an amazing connection right away, it feels like she is desperate. It’s a turn off and you can feel yourself losing interest.
Change your mindset. Think, “We’ll meet up. There is no rush. Lets flirt, play, have fun…. Meeting up is a given, so I’m not going to be pushy about it.”
Try texting with no obvious agenda. She knows you are texting to meet up. You will eventually hint/directly ask her out. Sometimes that can happen right away, but more often than not, you need to flirt and build it up a little.
This isn’t always true. Social Circle settings or Cold Approach that went extremely well or girls that see you as a catch and hope you like them will respond well to inviting right away.
It takes some time to get the timing down of when to ask a girl out or to meet up through text, so go mess it up a bunch of times and play with what I said above.
Just remember the mind set is, “I assume meeting up is inevitable, I assume she is attracted to me, I’m going to build some anticipation and make this even more comfortable by not being pushy or coming across needy. I’m going to to flirt and hint at meeting up when it feels right. If for whatever reason she can’t then, no big deal. Back to flirting. I have no time table with this. I’m dating. I’m talking to other girls, so any one girl I feel no pressure to meet up with “right now.” Sooner the better, but whatever. This week…1 month from now… no big deal.”
Just be patiently persistent, without begging, whining, or over chasing. Just flirt. Make statements…ask questions.. send her funny pictures…..tease her…use callback humor from when you met etc..
The more of this you do, the more likely she will eventually want to meet up with you.
Next fucking caller,
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